lucipiethedreamer

i) they tell me to be careful, to watch out for the boys who want me just to be their slaves, to step all over and discard like a toy when they're done; ii) they never told me that when I grew up, I'd be the one to stomp all over hearts, to leave glass pieces and wreckage in every step I take, to think it's easier to destroy than to love and get hurt iii) they never told me what to do to pull myself out of the hole, how to stop this hurricane inside me that never seems to fade, that spins full force into everything and everyone I love without giving the voice inside me a chance to scream, no, stop, I need them- iv) why do I break everyone I love? v) why can't I seem to ever stop this spiral, this drowning in alcohol and self hatred and suicidal thoughts because why, why should someone like me be walking the earth? I'm one the worst monsters out there vi) I never got to say the things I wanted to say, I never know how to express my own thoughts, how to stop the carnage and just say vii) I love you. You mean the world to me. Please be patient with me. I don't deserve you. viii) what's the point? nothing has changed since you were just eleven, nothing will change now at twenty-six. you deserve nothing.

i) it snowed yesterday and now i can't get you off of my mind. i wish i could think about anything else, but somehow everything relates to you. it doesn't even snow where you are. ii) all i know is that all of these words are building up inside of my chest and i have no where else to spew them. i scream endlessly into the abyss and the pressure never stops, like the unfortunate thud thud thud of my heart beating. iii) i looked for your number today. i couldn't find it anywhere and that made the despair deeper. i would never call you, but it was comfort knowing you were always right there, even if you didn't answer. iv) i wish i had met you first. i tell myself that would make everything different, if it had been just you before the first one, i would have made all the right decisions. v) my heart will never let go of this guilt. vi) i think of you more often than sometimes. vii) i miss the sound of your voice being the last thing i heard before i went to sleep every night.

sometimes, late at night when I'm driving with him, I think about you. the empty place in my heart that still longs for that piece of you and questions if she made the right decisions. you can't turn back time. you just learn from it. time heals all wounds - that's what they say. most days anyway. not including the days years later when I still cry and wish I could hear your voice again, wish I could do anything to stop this pain of losing you and wishing I'd been better, smarter, sweeter some days I miss you more than I can handle, like a tidal wave of emotions is crashing over me and drowning out my screams and no one cares and why should they? my heart is collapsing in on itself tonight and i just miss you, so much that i want to drown in a bottle of sorrow and forget again. it's too late for me, but I wish you the best where ever you are. Ithink about California all the time because of you.

Some of us will never heal. Some of us will always carry around these scars. They hide, they burrow underneath the surface and pretend to heal, pretend that you're finally okay, pretend you can move on. But there are some days where they come creeping up, tapping on our hearts, "don't forget about me, I'm still here", reopening every single wound we tried to forget. My childhood wasn't a tragedy - not by the definition of the word. I was never starved - my mom never beat me, albeit she barely seemed to know I existed. My dad was gone from age 3 until I was 13 - all I had to remember him by was this stuffed Christmas dog with mistletoe on the collar. God knows I took that thing everywhere, even though it was the same size as me. It was never a secret that I was an accident and that my mom didn't want me. I ran away when I was 13 and moved in with my dad for a year. I went to 7 different schools in 2 years. I didn't have an opportunity to make friends. When I was 14, my dad